Don’t Fear the Reaper

Today was supposed to be a good day. It’s a Friday and my brother whom I work with, just got his P.E. license and I had gotten my acceptance letter into grad school. But there came other, unwelcome news.

I have cancer.

I guess the stress of the past several years has finally caught up with me. While others enjoy their happily-ever-afters, I face an uncertain future of doctor appointments, surgery and the whole mess that comes with the diagnosis.

Right now, I know nothing, other than it is invasive. I don’t know what stage, or if it’s spread to other locations. Now I know why I’ve gone through tired spells in the past, I guess. Monday brings the first of what will probably be many appointments. I will have to have the mass removed before they can determine what stage it is.

Now that I look back, I wonder if my body knew it all along, with my sudden urge to tackle my bucket list and to write, to leave some details of who I am, behind for my family to grasp onto in dark times. Morbid thoughts come with the territory, especially when I’ve only known for 6 hours.

Then comes the whole awkwardness of what to say or how to act around a sick person. I know I’ve personally never known what to say. This is going to be weird.

I don’t know that I’ll post much about my experience for my Facebook friends, I don’t want to be a Debbie downer. Perhaps here on my blog, where anyone can read about it without it being forced on them, like a Facebook feed would be. Funny, I guess I’ll hit the bucket list with a renewed fervor, now.

Still, God is in control and death is not to be feared. I guess this is what God was preparing me for, when I kept seeing Psalms 27:14 all over the place – which I posted about on October 28th. I have seen it a few times more since then, too.

Once the shock of my diagnosis wears off and my resolve to fight sets in, I’ll be in a better place mentally. “Be strong and courageous” resounds through my mind.

Your prayers are certainly welcomed and desperately needed. To what purpose this experience leads to, remains to be seen.