It Makes One Weak

So here it is, a little over a week since my cancer diagnosis.

I have to say I’ve never had so many thoughts and emotions spin wildly through my head. Can I just say I can’t wait to get my 50th year over with? I’ve had so many highs and lows in just this one year, more than I can ever recall at any other time. And cancer the grand finale. Sigh. I’ve done so many internet searches on breast cancer the past week, that even Google now knows I have it. Gone are the dreams of grad school, for now.

I really need to thank all my coworkers, friends, schoolmates and family for the kind and supportive words though! The posts, the texts, the PM’s on Messenger, the addition into a few Facebook groups… I am shocked and so very thankful! As an introvert, I was prepared to go it alone, so a big thank you to each one of you, for every small gesture, note or hug. It means more than you’ll ever know. I am learning empathy for others in similar conditions, rather than my former awkwardness, by your actions!

So right now, everything is a wild card. I don’t know what treatment I’m facing and the extent of my cancer.

Next steps:

I was going to get detailed but its no use writing out every possible scenario. There are too many, I tried. Basically, this is what I’m hoping and praying for: My MRI on the 24th to show that it hasn’t spread anywhere else in the breasts. This is just a partial MRI, not a full body. I’m also praying it doesn’t show up in the lymph nodes during my lumpectomy on Feb 6th. If it turns up in the lymph nodes, I’ll need chemotherapy. I’ll also need a full body MRI to make sure it hasn’t spread to other parts of the body, if it has spread to other parts of the body, there is a 22% 5-year survival rate.

I hate waiting and not knowing. It messes with my mind. How to plan, to attack when you are dealing with an unknown? God knows, right? Deep breath, wait, wait…

I did get a good test result back yesterday called a HER2. This was negative which means it is a less aggressive cancer. Yayyyyy, that’s something at least.

If all goes best-case-scenario, after surgery I will need several weeks of radiation treatments. Then I will spend the next 5 years on estrogen blockers, because my cancer feeds off of estrogen according to tests they’ve ran on it. These drugs come with their own set of lovely side effects, but welcome to the alternative. I will be alive. I want to see my boys get married and meet my future grandchildren. This past year I have started to really get out and explore life, and I want that to continue.

I realize this is all more than everyone wants to, or needs to know, but writing is therapy for me. It has been a lot for ME to take in. Plus I don’t have to repeat myself when people ask for updates. 🙂 I hope this and any future posts, will help anyone who stumbles upon them in their own Google searches.

I will keep you all posted as I get any new results. For now, your continued prayers are needed for the best-case-scenario. Thank you all, for showing me so much love!

 

5 thoughts on “It Makes One Weak

  1. Anne, there is one statement that concerns me, Grad school still needs to be a goal, there is no reason to lose a longterm dream over a potential nightmare right now. Step back and look at how far you have come. I have shared the following words of a song from long ago that goes something like this. He didn’t bring us this far to leave us, He didnt teach us to swim so we can drown, He didn’t build his home in us to move away. Stay strong, believe in your dreams.

    1. Yes, you are right. I’m putting it on hold right now until I know what I’m dealing with. I’m just afraid of losing momentum. If I quit school now, I fear I might not want to go back, but I have to for now because I don’t know how treatments will affect me. Thanks for your continued encouragement. I take it to heart when someone’s been there before and knows how dealing with this feels.

  2. Please continue to share what you are dealing with. It helps you share your feelings with what is going on. When I’m having health problems I share them on FB not to get sympathy or poor me but like you I don’t need to tell my story over and over. I too have gotten so much support from my FB friends that it has really helped me through the rough times. I will
    keep you in my prayers. May God give you healing and strength as you deal with your breast cancer. 🙏

  3. “I realize this is all more than everyone wants to, or needs to know, but writing is therapy for me. “

    Have to disagree Anne, you write so well about your real life experiences. You can make this more than therapy for you, this new chapter in your life can inspire others to fight that little harder or encourage others to do more meaningful things with the time they have. Sometimes we need to hear the bad stuff, to make us think more. Love & Hugs from Berlin 💚💛💚💛

    Ps. I notice I didn’t actually say the C word, sufferers need to find your story so here it is – CANCER SUCKS! FIGHT CANCER! SHOW CANCER SUFFERS YOU LOVE THEM! 💖

Comments are closed.