Fwd Focus

I wonder to myself, “Is this a slow suicide?” Just take the pill, everything will be alright, you’ll be okay.

But I don’t want to take the pills anymore. Night after night, I’ve been a slave to the little white pill that’s supposed to keep the cancer at bay.

I had myself a big pity party yesterday, and I wrote about my misery in-depth for this blog. I was going to post it right away, but instead, I decided to sleep on it this time. In it I whined about the deep bone pain, vision impairment and other side effects from my medication. And how now, these meds have started to take my mind.

I wrote about how I’ve decided to quit taking them, and that not every ending is what you want it to be.

But morning has a way of changing one’s perspective. Ever since I was young, when times have gotten tough, I’ve often repeated a phrase I once read in a Russian folk tale: “Morning is wiser than the evening.”

I’ve lived by that phrase throughout my life, when I’ve  felt I can’t go on. Whether it be the pain from the death of my father or brothers, my cancer diagnosis or other losses along the path of life. Sleep off the pain, sleep off the grief, morning is wiser than the evening, and with it brings renewal. Even though that renewal might be just bit-by-bit.

This morning I went off to church, still a bit moody. We had some guest speakers today, Connie and Lizzy, an aunt and niece duo. Over the course of two years, Connie had lost both of her feet and then her hands, due to some still-unknown ailment.

Wheelchair-bound, Connie chose to live a life full of joy and excitement, even though her path through life didn’t end up what she wanted it to be. She spoke of “corrupting” another lady in a wheelchair to “escape”the clinic with her and go chase turkeys in a nearby farm field. Oh, the joys of simple silliness, long forgotten in my life.

Lizzy, her caregiver, spoke how hard it was to keep up with Connie and hold her back from the things that many people believe she shouldn’t be doing.

After hearing them speak, I felt both foolish and yet renewed. My misery seems so trivial in comparison, and I realized that sometimes we all need a lesson on attitude adjustment.

Maybe Connie’s life story didn’t go in the direction she wanted it to, but she has the right attitude and the mentality that her mission isn’t over yet. Nor is mine or yours.

And so, I’ll take a break from the medication, and maybe even try a new one. Just because it’s getting tough, it doesn’t mean I can give up. I once again crawl, until I get on my feet again, just like we’re all known to do at times.

Just keep that focus forward, because when our eyes are on ourselves, they’re facing in the wrong direction.

2 thoughts on “Fwd Focus

  1. I face attitude adjustments sometimes daily. Though my gleevec (pill) does not cause me any type of backlash or setback, my demons are mostly born out of the enemy telling me that I am losing my battle. However my sovereign God continues to remind me all the time how a vision I had back in the early years of my salvation that I am continually in the palm of his hand. The vision was so real I lay in my bed 2 am in the morning looking down on myself, what I saw was Gods child curled up in the palm of a very large and caring hand. The warmth and comfort that I felt back in 1975 has never left me all these years later. Little did i know that i would need to draw from that vision many times over the course of time. Cancer in ugly, Cancer represents human frailty and a reason to give up. But because we serve a sovereign God, allow him to place you in the palm of his hand. Immerse yourself in the things of God, surround yourself with people that have been there. Let peace control your life not those things that destroy you from within. Those demons that cancer patients deal with must come under the authority of our God and Healer. Many days I feel like why do I bother, just that quick HE makes it very evident to me that I need to simply 1. Refocus 2. Trust in Him.
    I heard someone say one time, for world this is as good as it gets, but for the Christian this is as bad as it’s going to get. Stay strong, find purpose and share your experience. You are a inspiring person Anne, pass that forward.

    1. What a roller coaster ride a cancer diagnosis is! I thought after my surgery, my ordeal was over, not just beginning. The mind truly is a battlefield and some days I sure don’t feel like fighting anymore. But people like you and Debbie are such an encouragement – I love the view you shared that this world is as bad as it gets for the Christian. Refocus and trust, I like that.

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